le sigh

i do understand that there is something to be sacrificed. but i sometimes wonder if its even worth for it. fml.

meh

the show started yesterday... thank god... no, thank flying spaghetti monster, we made it...

yesterday was hell. i generally hate people gathering to work on one thing because it always causes arguments and conflicts with each other. i couldnt stay calm yesterday either. painting was not fucking done until 2 hours before the show started. ive already heard so much bullshit talked between teachers and students at that point, i had no time to eat till 7 p.m. (i ate 2 meals at a time later on... yum:), and paint cans fell from my hands twice on the day... how could i stay calm?

somebody called me passive aggressive yesterday. it was supposed to be a sarcasm (yes, he said that to the other student, but loud so i hear), but its so true. at that moment, i was more upset at myself, but i dont deny that some small stuffs were irritating me as well. in fact, i think he thought i was upset at one of sarcastic comments he made before that happened...

im really bad at anger management in groups in general. i try to ignore the fact that im mad, so the result usually comes out as the really bad sarcasm or behavior. i never fit in a large group, and its alright for me most of time. but occasionally, that i have to stay in it gives me the huge stress, and i dont know how to deal with it, when it happens.

i guess thats one thing i have to face at this point... not that im the only one whos struggling with it (obviously), but i dont really like to feel anger when i have stuffs to work on. i either have to learn to let it go or find a good way to release it.

2nd tech, 1st dress rehearsal... 4 more days till the show.

it was the 2nd tech rehearsal for the show... have hmwk to do... but im exhausted. aw:(

tech is like fixing the negative space on your drawing. you have to find what you shouldnt find in the show. the process goes back and forth... you make the positive image as close as possible to the final picture you have in your mind, but you always find something to fix on the negative space... and then, you balance the overall image.

i found one reason why im interested in costume today. its the relation between them and humans. they are close to people but not people themselves. you need character analysis, but you have to stay objective. i always enjoyed watching people than being between them. because ive been watching people since i was little, i became somewhat insightful for other peoples personality. rather than scenic design, its costume design that ill be able to use that part of me... plus, i love seeing actors movements becoming sharper just because of their excitement for costumes:)

one thing making me nervous recently; two designers im working with for the show are graduating. after this semester, ill actually have to be the one to design. possibly starting even this summer...? this is the big step for me. its definitely challenging, and im simply freaked out. but sooner or later i have to take the step anyways, then why not sooner? 

the first post yay

am i a scenic designer? am i a scenographer? no, im not. im just a student struggling to figure out my own fucking future. what do i know? just some basic skills... know barely enough to work as an assistant designer. my communication skill is poor thx to the fact that im japanese and english is my second language. the reason i started the blog is that today, even thou my self-esteem as a designer is pretty low, i found that im at the point that i should start thinking about philosophy of the theatrical design.

i had no experience in the design field before i came to the college im currently attending. in japan, theater is not a part of their educational program. the only opportunity i had to see anything related to the theatrical design was when i had the ballet concerts. even thou i had some chances to see design process closely, my main interest at that time was dancing. thinking back, i missed so many chances to observe the theatrical design industry in japan.

so basically, i have no theatrical education background in japan. the first time i leaned anything about theater was in the college in this country. (besides as i wrote, i had dancing and also some painting training.) thats why i wanted to keep my blog in english. me as a designer was born in the u.s.

okay thats enuff for today. its 1 a.m. and i guess im having a little jet lag from an hour difference between here and cincinnati...